…. And How to Bust Through Them
February can be the bleakest month of winter, except for one bright spot dedicated to heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, flowers, and love. So in honour of St. Valentine, today we’re examining some of the most common love-related myths and setting the record straight.
1. A Strong Independent Woman is Intimidating
No doubt, for some people, this may be true. Those people are not your people. My suggestion is never dumb yourself down or minimize your success in order to make yourself more attractive. There are many people who are attracted to the qualities you possess, so go ahead and own them!
2. I’m Too Busy for Love
It can be easy to believe you are too busy in your career to find time for a relationship. We excel at delayed gratification, and it can be easy to think of a partner as a goal for someday in the future.
The truth is that you’ll always be busy, maybe even busier in the future than you are right now. No matter how busy we are, we always find time for the things we choose to prioritize.
So if you want a life partner and don’t have one, make sure you put it on your list of goals. Plan to devote time to this goal by putting it on your calendar. Otherwise, it’s just a wistful wish.
3. I Have to Find the Perfect Person
When I was younger, I had a detailed list of what I was looking for in the perfect partner. It makes me chuckle to think about this now.
Just like with ourselves, perfection in our partner is an unrealistic and unachievable goal. It’s more about how we feel when we’re with them and how they treat us than whether or not they look a certain way or are a good dancer.
So if you want to make a list, perhaps focus on the values you have that you want to share with your partner. Think about what is “non-negotiable” for you and what would be “nice to have”. And be prepared to throw your list away when you’re dealing with a real human! Often, what we think we want doesn’t end up being what we actually need.
4. Happily Ever After
The summer I turned 12, my older cousin and I would have contests to see how many of my aunt’s “Harlequin Presents” (white pocket paperback romance novels) we could read in a day.
It was a steady diet of heroines who were mostly virginal secretaries or governesses and brusque domineering businessmen (with the odd sheik thrown in for good measure). The books followed a reliable formula. Boy meets girl, conflict ensues around page 56, and emotional angst is resolved by marriage proposal on about page 180. The couple then goes off into the sunset to live the proverbial happily ever after. Needless to say, the power dynamic was squarely in favour of the man, and none of the women made more money than the hero.
Not exactly the best sort of instruction in the ways of romance for a brainy girl with ambitions. Even in modern-day rom-com films, the stories usually end in the happily-ever-after scenario, which is strangely satisfying, but not at all realistic.
In real life, the end of the movie is just the beginning of the work. You can have your happily ever after, but it takes commitment, dedication and compromise. There will be the ebb and flow of good times and bad times. Conflict is normal, with evolution and growth being the required path to success. Furthermore, it is the growth that is the most rewarding and meaningful part.
5. If They Really Loved Me, They Would Know What I Need
I don’t know why we tend to think this way. It’s what I like to call a “thought error”. And it causes so much unnecessary pain in relationships.
So do yourself a favour. Tell the people you love what you need from them, and why. The caveat to this advice is that a request is something they get to decide to act on or not. (Because adults get to do whatever they want.) But at least you’ll have done your part. And then you’ll have a more realistic chance of getting what you want and need. Which leads nicely to the next myth…..
6. “You Complete Me”
I’ve written before about this iconic line from the film Jerry Maguire. Wouldn’t it be delightful if all our needs could be met by our significant other? But, talk about pressure!
People in successful relationships understand that they need to look outside the partnership to meet some of their needs. For example, I love to cycle, but it’s something my husband no longer enjoys. So I have a few friends I go on cycling dates with. Similarly, he has his “games night” with the guys, where he gets to enjoy an activity that doesn’t appeal to me.
7. If I’m Not 100% Happy, Something is Wrong
The reality of the human experience is a balance of negative and positive. Don’t make the mistake of setting yourself up for failure by believing anything other than it is normal to have conflict and unhappy times in any relationship. This is natural. And understanding this is useful.
Our brains are designed to look for what is wrong, which makes sense because it is protective. But make sure to give equal airtime to all that is right. In fact, do yourself a favour and focus your awareness on what’s working, and you might just find it expands.
8. I Need To Stay At All Costs
I remember a colleague telling me that if it were up to her ex-husband, they would have stayed miserably married to each other forever. Sometimes a relationship has simply run its course. It is completed, and that’s OK.
This doesn’t mean that in a committed relationship you shouldn’t do your “due diligence” to try to make it work. Or that ending a relationship isn’t painful. But there is an opportunity cost to being stuck in a dead-end relationship.
Our brains don’t like change and are risk-averse, but don’t let fear stop you from reaching for the possibility of the love you want and deserve.
9. It’s Too Late for Me
I get it. When I was single, I had many bad dates that made a night home alone with a glass of wine and a movie look pretty darn good. But the one thing I knew for sure was that that the partner of my dreams wasn’t going to ring my doorbell one day and say “Here I am”.
I’m an anesthesiologist who loves to talk to her patients. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard stories of people finding love late in life. Like in their 70’s and 80’s. Which means it’s never too late.
I had a pretty good life before I found my person. But there can be something sad about having no one to share your life with. So if you feel that way, keep putting yourself out there. Believe in the possibility that your person is out there, waiting for you. Open yourself up to the idea of letting lots of people audition for the role.
10. There’s Something Wrong With Me If I’m Alone
Maybe you’re alone and that’s exactly how you prefer it. Amazing. Delightful. Power to you.
Maybe you’re alone and you wish it wasn’t so. I invite you to ask yourself “How might this time alone be happening for me?” Developing the skills of emotional and financial self-sufficiency are assets that will always serve you well.
Perhaps this is your time to focus on and strengthen the supportive network of friends and family around you. Now might be the perfect time to pursue a passion, learn a new skill, or change your job or city. Keep figuring out how to “have your own back”. Enjoy the delicious freedom that comes from not having to factor other people’s needs and desires into your day-to-day life.
I believe the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. I also believe the universe always unfolds exactly as it should, in the right way and at exactly the right time.
Relationships can be complicated, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. If you’ve been believing one of these myths and need help breaking free, schedule a free consultation to chat with me about it.
